My name is Wanda I am a poet...not really:) I've always hated writing. Sorry to offend anyone out there! It was just one thing in school I found completelty unbareable. I mean don't get me wrong, sometimes school with all it's subjects is really terrible, but writing for me, moreso. I wrote this skit or play, whatever you want to call it, for a mysteries class with Mr. Kevin O'Brien. This play is where found out I actually found that I enojyed the process of writing an original creation. It's is an extremely case of hilarity and you will find yourself rolling over the floor laughing with tears in your eyes, HOPEFULLY. So without further ado I present THE MALTESE PENGUIN or THE HOFFMAN FAMILY GAMESHOW! Also I came up with two names and couldn't decide which to call this play. Just a fun fact!! NOW READ AND ENJOY!
Wanda the playright out!
Anneliese Hoffman
Mr. O'Brien
Mar. 20th, 2017
ACT 1
[The lights flicker on and the theme song plays.]
[Anneliese Hoffman the M.C runs out.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Welcome one, welcome all, to Hoffman Family Game Show!"
[She waves to the crowd.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "You picked the right channel to watch, you T.V viewers, because today is our annual detectives’ episode!"
[Crowd goes screams in excitement.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN "Let's all give a warm welcome our contestants! We have Father Brown, Nancy Drew, Sherlock Holmes, and Dr. Watson!"
[Cheers and Screams from the crowd.]
[Father Brown, Nancy Drew, Sherlock Holmes, and Dr. Watson wave to the enthusiastic crowd.]
FATHER BROWN: (Makes sign of the cross) "Christ be with me as I prepare to enter this game show!"
NANCY DREW: (Waves to the crowd) "This is going to be so much fun!"
SHERLOCK HOLMES: "I say my dear Watson! I feel like this is going to be a capital good show!"
DR. WATSON: "Wow Sherlock! Look we're on a game show! What are we ever to do?"
SHERLOCK HOLMES: (Say line in sarcastic tone) "We are Watson? I had no idea! We my old chap, are here to complete these challenges and win the grand prize!"
[The contestants sit in their chairs.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Alright contestants, today you will be challenged with answering…"
SHERLOCK HOLMES: (Interrupt) “Who murdered whom?"
NANCY DREW: (Continue to interrupt) "What was hidden in Josiah Crowley's old clock?"
FATHER BROWN: (Interrupt for the third time) "How you peacefully deal justly with a murderer or thief?"
DR. WATSON: (Yell line really loud!) LET THE M.C TALK! YOU THREE HAVE BEEN INTERRUPTING HER CONSTANTLY! IT’S VERY BAD MANNERS!"
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Thank you Dr. Watson."
DR. WATSON: "Do I get extra points for being the silencer?"
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Sadly, no."
[Watson slouches in his chair for a moment looking dejected.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "As I was saying folks, you four contestants will have to answer questions about your fellow detectives."
[Crowd goes OOOH.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Also, I have a rule. If the question is related to a certain contestant, they cannot answer it."
[The contestants nod.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "However, before we start, I must reveal the grand prize. In addition, to a twenty thousand dollar check, there are also four Hamilton tickets stuffed in the Maltese Penguin." (Holds up a fat stuffed penguin.)
[Crowd goes OOOH]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "So let's get started!"
[Commercial airs.]
ACT 2
[Commercials end.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "And welcome back to the Hoffman Family Game Show!"
[Crowd cheers.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Since we have some eager contestants, let's get right to the challenges."
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: “Julia bring out the question cards please!"
[Julia comes out with the cards. The crowd BOOS.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "C'mon people! Give the woman a little respect!"
[Julia hands her the cards, glaring at the crowd.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: (Pat's sister on the shoulder) "Thanks sis."
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Alright, first question!’ If you were Nancy Drew, where would you find in Josiah Crowley's old diary? A: In an old clock; B: Under a floorboard in the attic; C: In the clutched hand of the dead Mr. Crowley; D: Buried in the ground near a willow tree?"
[Nancy squirms in her seat her hand fidgeting near her buzzer.]
WATSON: (Buzz in) "B!"
SHERLOCK HOLMES: (Buzz in) "C!"
FATHER BROWN: (Buzz in) "D!"
[Nancy Drew smacks her forehead.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Sorry detectives the answer is A: In the old clock."
[The contestants sigh.]
SHERLOCK HOLMES: "I say Watson that was a capital good question!"
WATSON: "We were answering questions? I thought we were saying the alphabet!"
[Sherlock smack his forehead as Watson begins to fill his pipe.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Alright contestants, let's move on. Since you all failed the last test, we will try something new. I have a scenario for you. Let's say the Maltese Penguin is stolen."
[An 'fat actor' comes on the stage and grabs the Penguin.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "The thief takes the Penguin and hides it. You four detectives, working together must find the penguin."
SHERLOCK HOLMES: (Prods Watson who is now smoking his pipe.) "I say, that sounds like a brilliant challenge Watson!"
WATSON: (Watson sends a big puff of smoke into Sherlock’s face.) "What are we doing again? I was taking a break."
[Sherlock face palms again.]
NANCY DREW: (Stands up) "This is going to be exciting."
FATHER BROWN: "I hope to help that poor fat man and save his soul."
[The show goes on commercial and a fat man in a hood conceals the Maltese Penguin and hides it in a crate.]
ACT 3
[Commercial ends and the show comes back on.]
SHERLOCK HOLMES: "It's awful dark in this room."
NANCY DREW: "Does anyone have a flashlight?"
WATSON: "What's a flashlight? Wait, I have a torch handy."
[Watson takes a torch out of his pocket and lights it.]
NANCY DREW: "That's a flashlight!"
WATSON: "You mean a torch?"
NANCY DREW: Yeah! That's a flashlight!"
WATSON: "It's a torch."
NANCY DREW: (With a huff) "Oh, never mind!"
FATHER BROWN: (Holds out a piece of stuffing) "Miss Drew, Dr. Watson, and Mr. Holmes, I have found something."
SHERLOCK HOLMES: "I say, that's a piece of stuffing from the Maltese Penguin!"
NANCY DREW: "There's more over here!"
[Nancy and Watson walk up to a small crate. Father Brown and Holmes join them a minute later. The crate was covered in stuffing. The four detectives lift the lid of the crate only to find it empty!]
NANCY DREW: "What bad luck!"
[They all walk back to the stage dejected.]
NANCY DREW: “I guess I'll never see Lin-Manuel-Miranda and the cast of Hamilton in person."
[The M.C runs out to greet them.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Did you find it?"
FATHER BROWN: "On the contrary, the crate to which all the clues pointed to was empty."
[Crowd goes OOOH.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "What? The penguin was supposed to be in the crate!"
SHERLOCK HOLMES: "It was?"
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: (Looks around) "Yes! I hired detective Sam Spade to carry it to the crate and hide it for this scenario so we could keep it away from the fat man! That fat man just loves any bird with the word MALTESE in it’s name. Where is Sam anyways?"
[The spotlight shines on Sam Spade who is swinging from the curtain.]
SAM SPADE: (Brandishes the Maltese Penguin) "LOOKING FOR THIS?"
[The crowd gasps.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "SAM YOU GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!"
SAM SPADE: (Continues to swing on the curtains) "I got to thinking after I stole it back from the Fat Man I would keep it. My mind said, “Give up Twenty thousand dollars and four tickets to Hamilton? No thanks!"
[Sam swings too much and the curtain rips. He falls to the floor and gets tangled in the curtain. The contestants and the M.C run over and apprehend him.]
Sam Spade: (Yells dramatically as he is dragged off) "I'll get the Maltese Penguin! SOMEDAY!"
FATHER BROWN: (Father Brown waves enthusiastically) I'll see you in jail to hear your confession!"
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "Alright contestants! Since you all helped find the Maltese Penguin together you all win!" (Presents them with the penguin.)
[The four contestants cheer.]
NANCY DREW: "HAMILTON HERE WE COME!"
[The four contestants joyously hug as the show ends and confetti falls everywhere. Nancy Drew, Dr. Watson, Sherlock, and Father Brown all link arms and skip off the stage.]
ANNELIESE HOFFMAN: "That's it for today folks! See you next week on The Hoffman Family Game Show!"
[Lights go dark and show ends. The credits roll.]
The End.
Dear Sisters,
I sincerely hoped you enjoyed my blog post:)
-Wanny
